Thoughts of the inner self.
The past week I have not felt you God the way I long to and I find myself slacking rather than working even harder to press forward. I want you God, I want to feel your presence with me all day long! I desire to have a heart after you, waking up in the morning just praising you name and excited to enter into your presence. Instead I wake up and want more sleep and shrug off prayer saying you will understand. Jesus I want you, I want to know you and desire you like you desire me to! Praying on the fly is better than no prayer at all but it bothers me when it is everyday, how can I sit and listen when I am trying to get ready for work? How can I enjoy your presence when I am constantly disrupted with thoughts of things to do, people asking questions, driving to work, or anything else that might pop up.
You have penetrated my heart like I have never felt before and I want more, I want more of you Jesus! I need you to condition me, I took a couple days off of praying/reading early in the morning and now my body is SCREAMING go back to bed or do not go to sleep now. I am finding myself watching more TV…NO! I do not have time for that crap!!! I need you Jesus, I have so much I want to read, I desire to spend time with you help me Jesus to be disciplined. I feel like Paul when he says in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Not in the aspect of sin, but I want to get up and pray, I want to get up and be in your presence, I want to give you the first of everyday but which I want to do I do not do…I know not to beat myself up, I know you know I am trying but it is my nature to beat myself up until I get it right but Jesus this is where I need you. This isn’t a sport or a game I can try and try and try again until I get it down path. Yes I can probably establish habits in my life but I cannot just turn on passions and desires. What good is it if I get up every morning and seek you when I do it out of obligation rather than passion? What good is it if I do outreach out of obligation or obedience when there is no PASSION! The joy of being a Christian in this wicked world is to be able to have an intimate relationship with You! I don’t want to be acquaintances, I don’t want to have to carve out time in my day for you, I want to want you all day EVERYDAY!
I read of brothers and sisters in Christ being killed for the faith, I read of children slaves, and horrendous conditions that the majority of the world has to live in…it is unfathomable to me! So much that I can’t wrap my mind around it, it is like it is all a fairy tale and it doesn’t happen. I hear of the Taliban being killed, murders, kids dying, etc and it is so common that my heart is almost cold. TV show names are using provocative language, everything seems to center around sex appeal, sex outside of marriage is promoted on pretty much every station, homosexuality is viewed as humor on TV or Normal and those who disagree are portrayed as a bad guy. SIN is rampant all around us, it is in music, tv, movies, workplaces, churches, internet, radio, billboards, street corners, it is everywhere and all I can do is say that is bad, crinkle my face and shake my head and that is pretty much it! Where is my anguish for the LOST? Where is my anguish for injustice? Where is the HATRED for sin I am suppose to have! Where is the yearning to get as many people saved so they will not die and spend eternity in Hell? Where? My heart is not where it is suppose to be, Jesus.
I think about you more, I listen to Christian music now, watch less tv and try to watch Christian programming not because I feel necessarily feel it is wrong but because I do not want that crap to hinder my relationship with you! I want you more than I want entertainment! I want entertainment to be found in your presence! This is the heart, desires, the wants I pray that you answer. I need you to teach me what love is so that I might love others as you have loved me…unconditionally.
I know I love you but I know I do not love you like I should. I want to but I do not and I need you to create in me a love for you like I have never known! A passion worth dying for! I will push through the crowd just to touch the hem of your garment, I will persist to seek you Jesus regardless if the answers and responses are not what I would hope for. Its all about you Jesus…its all about you.
