Less than ordinary
My personal thoughts and inner struggles I am overcoming! I hope others can find encouragement by knowing they are normal in feeling less than ordinary! There are no scriptures in thsi post but just my thoughts and findings through writing them down.
Who am I? I am no body, I hold no place of leadership, I have no followers, and my voice is almost mute! For 7-8 years I have allowed myself to dismiss God’s will for my life, because of my doubts and insecurities! Until recently I have failed to step out in faith because of my insecurities.
Even though I have a high self-esteem I still doubt my abilities and God’s voice sometimes and instead stare at the circumstances in my life or what stepping out would put me in. I mean I have a vision from God and truly believe it, then I share it with other men and women of God and their responses are less than supporting. Their halfhearted attempts to encouragingly discourage me are more discouraging than just saying that is the dumbest idea I have ever heard. Since they, whom I view as more spiritual than I or in leadership, do not share the vision, I feel I must have missed what God was saying…because they would be in agreement! So I would then say, God if this is what you want me to do then have a preacher or random person come to me and tell me what I am suppose to do, that way I will know it is Your will!
One thing in my spiritual life I have come to understand is God does not speak to me through others at least in the way I want Him to. He is requiring that I learn to hear His voice and follow Him by faith. It would be nice, while sitting at an evangelistic outreach or in a church service and the speaker/pastor says, “John Buford Williams, God is calling you to evangelize, plow the fields, and serve! Quit delaying and Go!!” But no, not even close…the only thing I can remember having spoken over me is a minister was praying for me said, “God is all over you and you do not even know it!” Even until this day, over 3-4 years later I have no clue what that means. In fact, I have seen speakers at church services call out a buddy of mine and confirm what God had been telling him…not once but twice! Might be wrong but made me feel that he was more spiritual than I was and since God would speak to Him in that manner, to confirm what he believed was God speaking to Him. It made me feel that what I thought was God was not or that when I was ready God would speak to me like that to confirm it…and so I waited and about 6 years later I got, “God is all over you and you don’t even know it!” I hate to admit this but I was less than pleased with that word! I know it’s bad to say that but its true and I am just being real. I became a child again, went back to my seat and pouted and I do not think I attended the revival after that.
The more I think on it, I am reminded of my slight speech impediments, I feel alone and I feel what God is telling me to do is too big for a less than ordinary person such as myself to do! I wonder if my new found fire is a part of my obsessive personality and if so when will I get bored with it and go on to newer things. I have even thought that I have nothing to offer because I cannot carry a tune, barely keep a beat, and last time I sang with the choir I was told to be quiet because I was throwing the person next to me off key. I am not a good speaker, I do not have a charming people person personality, I can’t sing, I can’t play an instrument, I do not know words to any worship song, and I am lucky to clap on beat! I never felt I had a “part” or “place” in the “church”! That is until I recognized that I was a duck hanging with the chickens! Since everyone around me clucked and I felt different because was a quacker, I assumed I should modify my quack to sound like the cluckers because that was what Christians do! You probably have no clue what I am talking about…the reason I felt out of place, like I couldn’t effectively serve anywhere in the “church”, is because I have a heart, a calling for outreach! The part of the body of Christ God has called me to be the hands, putting them to the plow…I am sure some scholar will tell me that I am actually another part of the body but my point is I am called/created with a purpose to outreach, not to sing, play instruments, etc…but to evangelize by serving the people outside the 4 walls of a church building!
I want to stop for a second and breakdown what I have come to believe why the Potter has molded me the way He has. Why I faced the hardships in my life and the reason I believe God has chose not to speak to me through a speaker/pastor, or to allow me to take part in moves of the Spirit. It was not because I was off track but to teach me contentment in Christ alone! Contentment that if I never felt anything else or received any other blessing, that Jesus dying on the cross is enough to sustain me! To teach me to trust His voice because when things get hard outreaching I need to hear His instruction…still learning this one but I just sprung the chicken coup! The reason I have had to endure my share of life’s hardships was to teach me priorities and purpose to life! The reason relationship my father was strained at first was to teach me patience and petition! The reason God led me to start telling my dad I loved him was to teach me that though I did not get an immediate response but instead awkward moments (for years), that it wasn’t that he didn’t love/appreciate me but to persevere until God had softened his heart to finally say it back! See it was to develop a servant’s heart in me! To server others regardless of their responses (and if it is like with my father it will get a lot worse before better), trusting in God that He will soften their hearts to be receptive to hear Christ and that return is not always immediate but takes weeks, months, and years to happen and I have to persevere in petition and servant hood! See each and everything I have gone through has had a purpose, sometimes I took the long way around but God never gave up on me…maybe that was the word Pastor Ziegler was speaking over me! I believe the feeling of, less than ordinary, helps keep me humble and helps keep my pride pressed down and is exactly the heart God is looking for to use!
If I am off, if this is just my obsessive personality, if so, then so be it! I am living one day at a time, tomorrow could be my last and I do not want to waste today! For those who might oppose or being used to discourage, do me a favor and shut up, I am sorry if that seems rude but I don’t need anyone else’s doubts added to the ones I already have to overcome! Thing is, I have not found anywhere in scripture where desiring to serve others, showing love through actions, engaging in spiritual warfare through prayer and fasting, working to help others to bring unity amongst denominations, outreach, and seeking a deeper relationship with my God, my King, my Jesus is wrong or off track! I am finally realizing that Christianity has nothing to do with me or anything I do but instead it is all about the great I AM and His unfathomable LOVE for us! By the grace of God, I pray that God will use me and allow me through His leading to serve others and develop a relationship of trust with my surrounding communities so that HE may use me to breakdown strongholds and shed the light of Christ by salting their communities! Respect is not given but earned and as of right now I see a long road ahead but I can’t not go because of circumstances that might come my way…Christ said for me as a follower to pick up my Cross and follow Him…I am just following!
